8 Things Lesbians Get About Sex That Straight People Don’t


There are a million ways to make a woman orgasm, and why that frontier isn’t prioritized above space exploration I just don’t know.


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When I say “lesbian sex,” let me be clear that I do not mean having sex while listening to Tegan and Sara or while The L Word plays in the background (unless that’s your thing, in which please email me your thoughts on season three.) And of course I know that lesbians are not perfect at sex. I’m sure there are some straight people out there having better sex than I could ever imagine (Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston), and some lesbians out there having the most boring sex ever (that judgmental girl I knew from summer camp). As a whole, no group of people is “better” at sex than anyone else. But based on my own critical research, aka sex with women, there are a few tips I think anyone can learn from their local Friends In Flannel and implement into their own life — no matter who they have sex with.

1. We know that sometimes mystery can be a good thing.

I’d argue that the mystery around lesbian sex (as dumb as it sometimes is) is actually quite liberating. There’s no one way that lesbians have sex, so we don’t go into it expecting to have sex the same way every time. For a lot of straight people I know, there’s an unspoken rule that sex = penetration. But lesbians don’t have that equivalent. There’s no Ikea manual on lesbian sex and this creates a lot of possibilities in bed. She could want fingers; oral; fingers and oral; a strap-on; fingers, oral and a strap-on; or none of the above. The point is that you don’t know. And anyone can treat sex this way if they don’t come in with the preconceived notion that penetration is the only way to get off. In my humble gay opinion (aka my HGO), sex is about exploring new things with your partner.

2. “Foreplay is important.” (Ellen 17:38-40)

If there were a lesbian Bible (don’t tempt me), that quote would be in it. Women understand that sex without foreplay isn’t even worth it half the time, and many a straight man has missed this memo. Without it, sex can be rushed, aggressive in all the wrong ways, and straight-up painful. So if the math works out, lesbian sex = double the foreplay! The more you and your partner work on foreplay, the better things will be during sex. It’s like when you don’t drink coffee for a few hours because you want that 3 p.m. coffee to hit you extra hard. All about the long game.

3. Sex should be all about communication.

Who started the rumor that talking was not cool? Who cursed society with that?? There’s no reward for your partner guessing what you want or you guessing what they want — just ask. Lesbian sex, or any queer sex for that matter, requires a level of communication that goes beyond the standard level of communication that straight couples have. Everyone likes to be asked what they like in bed. But lesbians basically have the question tattooed on their hand right below their favorite Rachel Maddow quote. You have to ask who is on top, who wants to give and who wants to receive, what they like to do, what they like to have done to them, how many more times, and on and on. Communication is at the center of that. Asking questions opens up a more playful and enjoyable experience for everyone. There are a million ways to make a woman orgasm, and why that frontier isn’t prioritized above space exploration I just don’t know.

4. And it should also be about communicating with yourself.

Any queer woman I know has had to do some serious introspection on their own queerness, just so they have answers for the many questions society throws at them (i.e., how did you know you were gay? Do you use a strap-on? If you like strap-ons, why don’t you just have sex with men? Well, then, who’s the man in the relationship? Etc.) We have to be pretty familiar with ourselves and what we like in order to defend that against anyone who questions it. Minus the pressure from society, this kind of introspection can be really beneficial. Anyone can benefit from exploring their own sexuality and sexual preferences in a similar way. You can only know how to tell someone what you want if you actually know what you want.

5. We know where the clit is.

And so should everyone else. Look, I don’t mean to keep hating on space exploration, but literally, as a society, we found the moon before we found the clit. I don’t care who you are or who you have sex with, you should know this.

6. Lesbians always have U-Hauls in the back of their mind.

What does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-Haul. It’s a cliche as old as time: lesbians like to move quickly. Now, I do not recommend thinking about moving in with someone and the future silverware you will buy the first time you have sex with them, but I do think we can all learn from what’s at the center of the U-Haul proverb: emotional openness. Even if you’re with someone for purely physical reasons (which is great, you do you), it can be helpful to at least be open to some kind of emotional connection. That connection doesn’t necessarily mean you want to date your partner forever, but it puts you in a better place to feel comfortable with them and confident in your own actions in bed.

7. We know getting to orgasm is not a race.

Slow down there, most famous woman racecar driver I can think of, Danica Patrick. Why not enjoy the best thing on this earth for more than, like, a cool 45 seconds? Since lots of women tend to take longer to orgasm than men, lesbians don’t have the same speed race that some straight couples have. This isn’t timed! Teasing your partner and making them wait longer can be fun and make both of your orgasms 100x better. Women understand you shouldn’t be embarrassed if it takes you a while to orgasm. You deserve to orgasm, no matter how long it takes. I wish I learned that in high school, instead of, like, gym.

8. Lesbians don’t scissor.

This is just a reminder that lesbians don’t scissor and you shouldn’t either. No couple out there is smashing their genitals together while doing an intense side plank core exercise. Reminding people of this is my community service.

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